Last night I wanted to hide under my covers and never, ever come out again. Last night I was working on a post and accidentally sent it out WAY before I intended to. I meant to keep that to myself until I had the answers to my problems all neatly wrapped up. I wanted to present my amazing solutions to you in a beautiful package with a satin bow on it. I wanted you to think I had it all together. But instead, you got to see me in the midst of my struggle, with no answers, a spinning head, and emotions flying all over the place. The wheels were coming off.
But as one of my mentors said to me last night after receiving said post, “everything happens for a reason.”
And so it does…
So, I have decided to share this trying time with you while I’m going through it instead of afterwards when I have all the answers and my feelings are back in their proper place and I’m not an emotional mess.
Buckle up, my friends, this is going to be real, vulnerable stuff. Here is goes.
I am embarrassed to admit that the little people I brought into this world, that are half my size, have seized control of my home.
It has been in the works for a while now, but I think it came to a head the other night.
I asked them to do their chores, and then I had to tell them again, and again because they were goofing off instead of getting on it. Finally I had enough and told them to go upstairs and get ready for bed, please.
On my way up, I ran by the mud room “just to see” – yep, shoes everywhere. Passing through the kitchen there were toys and food and clothes all over the place. Getting a little flushed I went into the front hallway grabbing clothes, blankets and lovies as I went along. Upon reaching the stairs I tripped over a toy suitcase that I had asked them to put in the basement. More clothes, toys and whatnot greeted me on my way up the stairs.
Once I reached the second floor I was getting warm under the collar. I went into the smalls room to check on their progress – none. I pulled out some jammies and asked them to put them on and brush their teeth.
I went to move some laundry around and cool down.
Next I visited the smalls bathroom hoping to see some action in there and found number 4 brushing her teeth (yea) while standing in a drawer…noooo.
I began to heat up again as I searched for the stepstool that belongs in their bathroom and is “never to be taken out.” When I couldn’t find it anywhere I went back to the smalls room and found #5 – still buck naked.
I’m getting warmer. While uttering a mild threat to #5, a piercing scream came from the bigs room. I ran down there to see who had been decapitated.
Nope, just fighting over who was going to put their laundry away – that has been sitting there for 3 DAYS.
Now I’m getting hot. I tell them to go to bed. I pass by the smalls room and put them in bed (one without clothes and screaming). Then I look to see where #3 is.
Nowhere to be found. I am fuming. Blazing mad. He is not in his room, or bathroom (the only two places he should be at this time).
I rush downstairs telling myself (and maybe even saying it out loud) “if he is on a computer I am going to scream”.
So I asked him, in a loud voice, to go up to bed immediately.
I took all of the computers to an undisclosed location and cooled off in my room for a spell. All the while #5 was screaming for me to put her jammies on her.
I’m tired, and defeated. I feel like I am losing the fight. The fight for me, my home, my position and respect. The little people have taken over everything.
They control the kitchen, the office, the yard, their rooms, my room, the bathroom, the basement, the living room, and worst of all my mood.
So, I sit here, frustrated and dejected wondering how to get some control back.
I’m not looking for total dominance here. I just want a home that is respectful of the people and things in it. I don’t need a perfect house, I realize that is absurd, but I do want people to do their part in keeping our home safe and comfortable for all of us.
The reason that night was such a breaking point for me wasn’t because it was worse than other nights or because the behavior was so egregious; it was because I’m tired of it and my mind was spinning as to why this was happening. It was telling me I have no control, I have let things go and I can never get it back. It is all my fault. I’m not good enough to do this job well.
These are lies. It isn’t my fault. It is our humanity. We all want things our way. Number 5 wants to be in charge of her jammie choice, #1 and #2 don’t want to put their clothes away and #3 wants to play computer games 24/7 and I want it clean, quiet and to be obeyed.
But God has given me these 5 beautiful kids to raise. And while I may think it is too much for me, He promises to give me the strength to do it.
And so I will. This week I will ask for his strength as I do the job He has given me. I will ask for His loving voice as I guide these 5 unwilling participants through some re-direction. I will ask for Him to show me the joy in my days that will undoubtedly be trying.
And I know He will be faithful, because He always is.
Come back tomorrow to see how I get started. This should be good, right?
One side of my brain is telling me I am going to fail miserably and things will be back here in a few days. But the other side of my brain is telling me to have faith, God will show up. He always shows up when I search for Him.