I choose you

Deep down I believe God has a plan for my life. And simply put, that plan is for me to know Jesus and share Jesus with others.

Deeper down, I question my ability and right to that responsibility. I have a long list of reasons why I am not right for that job.

I’m not qualified. I’m not capable. I don’t know enough to be be able to share Jesus. I am still a mess myself. There are many people more intelligent than I am that could do a much better job. I stumble when I talk – I am not eloquent. (in fact I just tried to spell eloquent and it took me 8 tries to get it right. Even spell check couldn’t figure out what I was trying to spell so I finally asked Google.) So you see what I’m saying.

After I tell myself all of that, I project my thoughts on others so I can continue the beat down. “She didn’t look at me while I was talking, she must think I’m dumb.” “She thinks I’m terrible at this. She even asked me if she could give me some ‘constructive’ feedback which I interpret as ‘girl, let me tell you what you are doing wrong’.”

I already know.

One person even told me that when I say these things it’s my pride talking. Maybe it is. I’m sure someone could give me a long dissertation on how it’s the same thing. That would really help me.

It doesn’t feel like pride though, it feels more like doubt. Like I don’t believe what God says is actually true. Instead I listen to others and not him. I take my eyes off him for a moment and I get derailed.

In those times when I doubt, and it’s often, I run a conversation between me and God in my head that goes something like this:

“God, I’m feeling incapable of my ability of sharing you with anyone right now, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this. There’s other people who can do this and do it much better than me, can you choose one of them?”

God says, “I choose you.”

I say, “I’m not enough.”

God says, “You’re right, but I am, and I choose you.”

“Why, I’m incapable.”

God says, “You’re right, but I am, and I choose you.”

“Why me?”

God says, “Because I love you and I think you are amazing.”

“But I’m not.”

“Who says, you? because I didn’t say that. I said you are, and I created the heavens and the earth and all that is in it and when I was finished with my masterpiece I said that it was good – including you.”

“But I can’t do it, I’ll fail you.”

“You might, but I won’t fail you. And I choose you. I choose you because I love you. I choose to use you because I want you to experience my awesomeness. Because I want you to be like me. So we will do it together. Can we do that? You and me?”

“What happens when someone tears me down?”

“I’ll be there to whisper the truth in your ear and rebuild your spirit.”

“Why do you choose me?”

“Because I love you, I made you special, I think you are amazing and I want to show you more of me. Come and let me show you my power and the depths of my love. You are going to be amazed at what I can do – even through you!”

“You’re funny.”

“So are you. I love you, now let’s go.”

At the end of our conversation I realize the truth: through my inability I get to see his incredible capability and through my weakness I get to see his mighty strength and through his choice to use me I get to see the depth of his love for me. Because despite my inabilities and insecurities he chooses to bring me along on the journey of revealing himself to others not because I have anything to give or share or tell, but because he wants me to have an up close experience with him as he reveals himself to the world through me.

We are the vehicles he chooses and he is the driver with the roadmap. It’s going to be fun, it’s going to be awesome, and it’s going to blow your socks off. And that’s why he chose you – because he loves you!