Admitting it is The First Step

This is the second in a series of posts on dealing with an eating disorder. Read the first one here.

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I went into the therapists office for my first meeting in full denial. I didn’t have mental problems, I had heart disease. But I was so scared about what was going on with my body I was willing to get someone to say I was fine in the head so I could go back to my doctor and tell her to check again.

After a few sessions, I was given a diagnosis. My therapist, Marcia, who had been solely working with eating disorder patients for 15 years informed me I had one of the worst cases of anorexia she had ever seen.

Well then. I still thought she was wrong, but I was scared, really scared. I could feel my body dying and many nights I would wake up with serious stomach pain from starvation and such weakness that I couldn’t stand up. I slept with grapes by my bed to stave off the hunger pains. A few grapes would often get me back to sleep. But I knew deep down my body was failing and I feared I would not wake up one day. So my fear kept me coming back and listening to her words and attempting to answer her questions.

Immediately after her diagnosis a whirl wind of things happened. They happened so fast I didn’t have time to run screaming from the office. Before I could spell anorexia I was connected with an amazing team of professionals who worked with me on many levels in different capacities. I was given names and addresses of where and when to show up. That was pretty much it.

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I met with Marcia 3 times a week to begin with. Most of the hard work happened here. Gut wrenching, soul searching, truth telling stuff.

My psychiatrist, Michael, was very nice, and patient. We met monthly and he mainly helped me cope with what I was dealing with in therapy through medication which I did not want to take, and often didn’t, much to his dismay. But in the end he was a key piece of my recovery whether I liked it or not.

Pam, my diatician, met with me twice a week for a weigh in and education on good nutrition. She was unbelievably patient and kind to me as I very slowly began to re-eat. I had to put on a paper gown and step on a scale twice a week in front of Pam and provide documentation of my food intake to her. She put it all in a computer so we could see what I was really doing and how my body was responding. She was a great friend and I loved meeting with her. She taught me so much and seemed to truly love me through a very difficult recovery and learning process.

Finally, there was Dr. Kimberly, the one who diagnosed me to begin with. She monitored me as needed to make sure my body was healing and rebuilding the way we hoped it would. She delivered the good news, bad news and the unknown to me with understanding and kindness in her voice.

That was it, my full, amazing, talented, gifted and patient recovery team. I will forever love and cheris them in my heart.

They saved my life.

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About 6 months into therapy I finally agreed “I may have an issue”. Just a small one though. I wondered how long this was going to take to get over, but all my therapist would tell me was she was going to be with me for a long time.

After a year I realized I was dealing with a giant and I was fully onboard – willing to defeat it, but incapable of doing it quickly. It was going to be a long road and Marcia assured me she wasn’t going anywhere. Those were comforting words to me.

And we were just beginning.

 

 

 

All moms have stuff

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Everybody has stuff. Everybody.

Even that mom at the pool who, after her third baby, still looks great in her college bikini.

Even the mom who’s children never seem to fight (in public at least).

Even the mom who cooks super healthy food for her family and claims her kids just “eat it up.” She uses no trans fats, sugar, gluten, or high fructose corn syrup. No veggies that have been genetically modified, no sir. She only buys organic produce, grain-fed beef and nothing that is farm raised- only wild caught with no steroids or antibiotics used. Her milk- not a whiff of rBST, only soy or almond. Chicken and eggs – free range, We could go on, couldn’t we?

Even the mom who is always dressed perfectly and who’s children never have holes in their leggings or a shirt with stains.

Even the mom who makes sure her children are getting to try every prectice or game without it affecting the family negatively at all and even appears to really enjoy the racing from event to event.

Even the mom who never misses a beat, she never forgets pj day, picture day, a field trip permission slip or to put money in her kiddos school lunch accounts.

It gives me indigestion just typing it. Because I know these people.

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I’m not sure why I still get jealous of these moms. They have stuff too. You know that, right? Trust me, they do.

I can say that with great confidence because some people have told me they think I’m that kind of mom. I appear organized, patient and calm.

But I have stuff.

I’m an anorexic. Yep, I said it. At the age of 8 I developed a deadly eating disorder to help me cope with some things that happened to me when I was really young that I had no control of. What I could control was what went in my mouth, and so I did.

That eating disorder ruled my life for 16 years. Then one day I ended up in my doctors office with a heart that was leaking, organs that were failing and a body that was feeding on itself to survive. My doctor very sweetly told me she believed I was anorexic and that there was nothing she could do for me. I had to fix this myself and if I didn’t I would have a heart attack. She said it could happen in the next month or in a year, but that was where I was headed. Then she handed me three cards of psychologists that worked solely with eating disorder patients and with a few words of encouragement, she sent me out the door.

Out of fear of loosing my life I went to see one of those psychologists. And that’s how it all began.

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No one is only what they appear to be. Everyone has stuff. So the next time you feel jealousy coming on, or put yourself down for your inadequacies, remember that you aren’t alone. You are in good company. And remember that the ones that try hardest to make you think they don’t have stuff, have more than the average! They have to cope too, somehow.

So hold off on the jealousy, judgement and harsh thoughts. These moms may just be coping with a curve ball life has thrown their way. They may work hard in one area of their life to cover up another that isn’t so together. They are likely dealing with real life too. Just like you. Just like me.

Hello Again…

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I’ve been absent for a while. Since last fall it’s been mostly quite around here. I’ve missed it, writing, that is.

I was quiet because I couldn’t talk about the mundane blah, blah, blah stuff when I had so much going on in my head that was real and meaningful. But I didn’t know how to talk about that stuff, or I wasn’t ready to, so I didn’t talk about anything. It was too personal and raw. But I knew I would write about it one day. One day I would be ready.

So here we are again, 9 months later and I think I’m ready now.

So much exciting stuff has happened this (school) year. And I really want to get it down, and out of my head. It’s hard, though. So I’m going to take it a little at a time and see if I can make it make sense of it. Come with me if you wish, or don’t, it’s ok.

The Lord took me on a journey this year like none other. It was exciting, amazing, humbling, and REAL.

I have a story to tell. A story of how God redeemed my life, gave me hope and a purpose. A story of his faithfulness, mercy, and unrelenting love for me. How he gave me peace and joy and answers to hard questions in my life.

I have a story to tell, and I’m ready to tell it. A little at a time.

The Baby Sprinkle

I have this certain group of awesome ladies that let me hang out with them sometimes. They are really great for many reasons, but my favorite is that they make up all sorts of excuses to throw a party. Seriously, we will sit around together, dreaming up new reasons for a party. Our pinterest profiles are always at the ready on our phones and tablets for our next board. Only the best get to make the board first though, you have to be really quick with this group. Maybe you have a group of friends like this, and maybe you don’t. If you don’t, you can join ours, just give us a reason, just a little bits enough, to throw you your initiation party. We will make it simple, I promise.

The truth is we love to throw parties, make beautiful things, and make people happy. It’s our thing. We are more creative together than apart and that makes it so much more fun. At least for me. So I wanted to share with you our latest…The Sprinkle.

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Best of the year

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This season has been rough on me. It always is. So I’ve been quiet here, just trying to make it to the other side of this holiday season without a total meltdown. Can you relate?

But I’ve missed writing, and honestly I have so much to share I can’t wait for January to get back in a groove of writing. But for now, I have a moment of quiet so I wanted to reflect on this past year. I started my blog in the spring so it hasn’t even been a year, but it has been therapeutic and fun.

So here are my top 5 most popular posts in 2014.

How much is enough

Why it’s a big deal we went to camp a second time

The dreaded Christmas card picture

My kids took over the kitchen this summer

At the core of vulnerability is shame

when moms are weak

After reviewing them, I agree that “how much is enough” is a topic I want to explore much more in 2015. Let’s get after it.

Happy new year!

Here’s to a quieter, calmer, life-giving 2015!

The Dreaded Christmas Card Picture

We get compliments (an inordinate amount of compliments) every year on our Christmas card pictures. I’m pretty sure it’s not because of my stellar photography skills. They aren’t stellar. I think it’s that people just want to applaud the feat of getting us all in the frame, looking at the camera at the same time, with a “decent” look on our faces. And they are right, it isn’t easy.

So before we attempt to take this year’s picture I thought I would show you what it does take to get a family of 7 in one shot, looking at the camera, and hopefully, with at least a pleasant look on our faces. I’ll settle for no one with a pained look on their face, including me…no, especially me.

Here are a few of my favs…enjoy.

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There’s always one.

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Despite the terror going on around her, one curtsies while soaking up her moment on stage.

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Yea, yea, don’t worry mom, I’m going to smile for your precious little picture.

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Picture taking is painful…or scary…something.

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Look! Santa’s here… he came early!

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No guys, really, it’s SANTA…I mean it.

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Let’s try it again. This time everyone sit up straight.

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you told me only ONE more picture. you lied.

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Often one will just bust out in song. Just what everyone needs…Let it go, let’s go… I can’t take it anymore. Let it go, let’s go… or I’m going to slam the door. Here…I…sit…with my smiling face…will the fun go on…cameras never bothered me anyway.

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All h$%^& has broken loose. Grandma’s trying to pretend she is still enjoying the grandkids. Grandpa is looking for a way out and the kids are well….done.

Do you have one? Please share!